It’s after the biggest Show we’ve played yet and I’m standing Outside, waiting to go Anywhere but with Nowhere to go and No one to go Anywhere with.

It’s our biggest Show, and honestly, it’s sad. Twenty kids show up and to us it’s like a vast ocean of something Unknown. It’s intense though; these Twenty kids have the energy of Fifty. Mostly it’s the same kids that have been showing up since day one, day ten, day Whatever. No one’s counting. We know all of them, they either go to our school or have been showing up here since day Whatever. We all have an unbreakable bond and we see each other once or twice a month. No one’s counting. Tonight, the room is the bad kind of loud and my amp keeps cutting out and Max can’t seem to keep up with us and His guitar keeps getting knocked out of tune but these Twenty kids are into it anyway. It’s somewhat heartwarming and completely annoying. They know our Songs by heart at this point. They are the ones to save the Show. They are the Heroes of this Scene. Afterwards He, Max, and Cas go and make conversation with our fans/friends. They skip Introductions and talk with all of them like old best friends. I pack up my stuff and head straight for the back door. Everything about tonight is Routine and completely normal. No one looks back for me. It’d be weird if they did.

Outside, the night sky is shielded by a layer of dark clouds. It’s fucking freezing, and I don’t have a Jacket. I set my stuff in the back of His truck, like we always do. I wait. All of this is Routine. I wait outside in the Dark, in the Cold, leaning against His truck. I cross my arms across my chest. I breathe in, I breathe out, I stare at the cloud that comes out of my mouth. Blowing Smoke. I laugh at myself, and it’s funny because I don’t Smoke. I’m standing for what seems like an hour, loosing feeling in my Fingertips. A sense of Calm washes over me. After we play, I am on top of the World. All of this is Routine. They all eventually come out and meet me. Max and Cas stumble out first, Max talking loudly while Cas laughs hysterically. He walks behind them smiling at whatever they’re yelling about. Children with their parent standing behind them. I laugh at that too.

This is all a Routine. Nothing ever changes but Location. They get to the truck and pile they’re shit on top of mine. Max and Cas give no second thought to it and throw it in the back. He sighs and takes the time to move it all around, before putting His guitar in. Children and their parent. This time I don’t laugh. I stand and watch Him fuss over all of it. Max and Cas climb into the backseat and I stand and watch Him. I imagine He’s thinking about how much He hates us, even though He doesn’t. I wait until He’s done pushing our shit out of His way before I grab His guitar and put it in for Him. He sets His amp on top of His case. “Thanks,” He says and closes the trunk. I don’t say anything back and He turns and walks to the front of the car. I stand there for a moment, listening to the truck’s engine start before I go and climb into the passenger seat. The thing about a Routine is that you have to get all of it right. No one puts on their Seatbelt.

For once Max and Cas seem to have lost energy because the entire car is dead Silent. He looks over at me and asks, out of kindness I’m sure because He should know my answer at this point, “We’re gonna go fuck around Somewhere. You wanna come?” He and Max and Cas are all expecting my Routine answer to His Routine question.

I think: fuck our Routine, and say, “Yeah, sure.”

He looks surprised and He faces the windshield. “Shit. Okay.”

I’m expecting Max or Cas to say something in protest; I don’t know what to expect since I just broke and completely shattered our Routine. It feels like my answer pisses everyone off, or maybe they’re just surprised, but he starts driving anyway. Maybe this could start off a new Routine or maybe this is me trying to ruin something Good. I stare at Him as He drives. Max and Cas are talking loudly again. I don’t know where we’re going and I doubt that He does either. I don’t really care so I don’t ask. He looks like He can feel me staring at Him, but I keep staring. He drives with one hand as the Wheel, like He’s trying to look cool, like He’s trying to impress Someone. It makes me want to laugh. Max and Cas don’t pay attention to Us at all and We do the same to them.

Eventually, without anything else to Say, I ask, “Where are we going?”

He grins like He’s been Dying for me to ask. He says, like He’s rehearsed His line Hundreds of times, “Anywhere.”